Peer Perception Keeps Me Up At Night: Understanding Social Anxiety

At one point, I was “normal.”

At one point, I would dance in public like no one was watching. I would take pictures in cool places without thinking about what the people around me were thinking. I would express to people how much they meant to me. I would smile at the group of people looking at me without assuming the worst. I would post random things that made me happy, like the quote on my Dove chocolate wrapper, on Instagram without worrying about “messing up my layout.”

At one point, slowly but surely, I stopped feeling comfortable being myself in front of others.

Growing up, I got bullied for doing things that I enjoyed, wearing clothes that I found to be expressive of my inner self or trying new makeup trends.

I got side eyes and hands-over-mouth whispers.

Some people even came up to me and made rude comments to my face.

I get it, the people who tore me down as a kid were kids.

But I don’t think people talk enough about the fact that how you’re treated by your peers as a kid has a lifelong effect on your personality and emotional development.

Once I started realizing the groups of people looking at me weren’t being friendly, but rather making fun of me, I did a complete 180 personality wise.

I stopped dancing in public. I barely had any photos of myself anywhere except home because I was afraid to take pictures in cool spots while others watched. I stopped expressing my feelings. I avoided eye contact with large groups of people whom I felt staring at me and heard chatter from. I stopped posting photos that expressed the most authentic me.

And guess what? I still fear all of these things, and more, at 22.

A few weeks ago, I went to a Los Angeles club and tried to dance and enjoy my time, but all I could see were the judgmental eyes looking at me up and down. I panicked and left within an hour.

Last week, my friend asked me if I wanted a picture in front of a mural on one of my favorite streets in LA. I said “I do, but I shouldn’t because I know all of these people will look at me and perceive me.”

I love to take walks, especially on nice days in LA (which are most days, to be honest), but during my walks I get exceptionally nervous while crossing the street or when my bangs blow back and make me look like Lord Farquaad from Shrek. I seriously have convinced myself that people driving, even in the busy streets of Los Angeles, have a moment to look away from the road to laugh at the way I’m walking or my bangs separating in a goofy way.

Yeah, I can laugh about it because I realize I sound paranoid, but truthfully, I don’t think I will ever stop overthinking people’s perceptions of me.

When strangers in the store spark conversations with me, I’m eager to chat and bond with them, just like the old me, the me before the emotional scarring, but in the back of my head, I’m telling myself, “Hannah, don’t say something stupid. Don’t stutter. Don’t ruin this interaction.”

Then, if anything about the interaction was awkward, I dwell on it for the rest of the day. I wake up with a pit in my stomach thinking about the fact that someone smiled and waved at me the morning before and I looked behind me thinking, “Surely they’re not waving to me. Who am I to deserve a stranger’s kindness?”

If you know me and you’re reading this, you’re probably thinking, “But she posts photos of herself on social media all the time? Surely she’s confident.”

But stop and think for a moment. Aren’t most of my Instagram photos taken within the comfort of my home? That’s because I’m only confident when I’m alone, and I can pose in specific ways without people around me perceiving me. I am cyber-confident. I have an online alter-ego in which I’m not afraid to draw a heart on my cheek with eyeshadow or wear an out-of-the-ordinary outfit. I can pose in a way that makes me feel confident and put a cool filter over it.

Stop the stigma that people who post a lot of selfies on social media are “conceited” or “egotistical.” Instead, open your mind and realize that maybe, just maybe, that person’s online persona is the only thing that makes them feel worthy of confidence. You may not understand it, and it may sound toxic to you, but think before you judge.

I mean this in person too. Think before you judge the kid in the mall with an anime shirt on and a scene haircut. Think before you judge the girl with eyeliner to her hairline. Think before you judge the woman eating alone at a restaurant with tears in her eyes. Think before you judge the person at the gym who isn’t built like a supermodel, but is taking time out of their day to work toward their goals. Think before you judge the boy with dark eyebags.

Maybe anime is the reason that kid in the mall is still standing today. Maybe that eyeliner is that girl’s method of expressing herself. Maybe that woman eating alone just lost her husband. Maybe that person at the gym was bullied for their weight. Maybe the boy with dark eyebags is an insomniac.

I am an overthinker. I am a self-conscious person with a flare of confidence once in a while. We exist.

Social anxiety and its distortion on one’s idea of how others perceive them is real. Stop dismissing it as “awkwardness” or “attention seeking.” It’s real, and it has a detrimental impact on one’s day-to-day life. You never know who around you is fighting every thought in their head to be in public doing what they are doing, so stop wasting your time tearing them apart. Your dirty looks and words scar, and sometimes those scars last that person’s entire life from that point on.

If your mind works anything like mine, and you'd like to connect to discuss how to cope with social anxiety, please feel free to email me at hannahnoelburk@gmail.com